The Weird and Wonderful World of Freecycle

Many of you will know about Freecycle, or the identical break-away group Freegle. Both are online forums where members offer goods to each other, free of charge, which may otherwise have ended up in landfill.

I'm building up quite a collection of posts sent to my local group which are unintentionally funny. I saw these two today.

"with this hot weather its really hard 2 sleep with no air in the house if any kind person has any they dont want please help us thank you"

Surely it's easy to sleep if there's no air in the house; the tricky part would be waking up again. The quoted sentence (and I use that word quite wrongly) was the body of the message in its entirety, but the subject given was "fans". So I think "any they don't want" refers to fans rather than air.

"wanted chester drawes and wardrobes"

I have nothing to say about this one. It's your decision whether you laugh or cry, but you should be ashamed if you don't do one or the other.

Steve

All Set for Liverpool

We're all set for our next book signing, which will be on Saturday 1st May at Waterstone's in Liverpool One, the shopping area in the centre of Liverpool. We'll be there from 1.30pm, and at 3.30 we'll say a few words about the funny things we've recently seen and heard, as well as sharing some of our latest amusing thoughts on life.

For example, we think Andrew Lloyd Webber needs to calm down. Every time he hears a great story he makes a song and dance about it.

We hope to see you there.

Phil & Steve

Life Isn't to be Taken Literally

As you may know, in the biggest chapter of our book Phil and I give an insight into what the world would be like if we all took everyday sayings literally. The book was written purely for comedy value, but a conversation I recently overheard shows that some people actually DO take everyday sayings literally.

As two friends were walking along, one said to the other: “…and he bumped into her. Well, he didn’t bump into her; she was sitting down.”

If you’d heard that first-hand I’m sure you’d be clear, as I was, that there wasn’t really a ‘bump’, it’s just that the two people met unexpectedly. The speaker thought otherwise and needed to be sure that if we were acting out the story in our minds the characters were physically positioned so that they could bump if they wanted to! Bless!

Almost apologetically she admitted that they couldn’t possibly have bumped if one of them was sitting down. I didn’t have the heart to interrupt and point out that if only she was sitting down, he could still have bumped into her.

When using an everyday saying, we advise you not to assume it’s being taken literally. Next we’ll be hearing things like: “It’ll cost a bomb. Well, that might not be true because I’m not involved in the munitions industry so don’t know the going rate for bombs. I’m so sorry I said that.”

Once you’ve said something, let sleeping dogs lie. Well, you can wake them up if you want to. And you can let awake dogs tell lies as well if you must.

Steve

Library Recognition

By the subject 'Library Recognition', I don't mean that we're going to play a game where I show you photos of different libraries and you have to say which they are. That would be silly. Stop it!

It means that libraries in Flintshire and Lancashire have started to recognise our hard work by stocking our book.

Phil was visiting his local library (located within John Summers High School in Queensferry, Flintshire) and saw the book had been given a prominent position within the shelving - and its own stand! You can see it here.

We've since established that the book is also in Lancaster, Preston and Burnley city/town centre libraries.

So now having no money isn't a valid excuse for not reading our book! Support your local library, and if they don't have any copies of the book please tell them how behind the times they are and ask them to order you a copy - and they will. The title information you might need is here.

For anyone who prefers my original idea of 'Library Recognition', see if you can spot Kansas City Library in this photo.

Steve

New Signing Date

The book signing at Waterstone's in Liverpool One (the shopping area in the centre of Liverpool) scheduled for 6th March was postponed due to the desire of Phil's son, Callum, to be born a few days earlier than he had initially indicated. Callum had obviously heard about the observations that Phil and Steve were going to share with shoppers and didn't want to miss the event.

We will now be at Waterstone's on Saturday 1st May, signing copies of the book from 1-3pm, and at 3.30pm presenting our latest comedy talk on the funny things we've recently seen and heard. A list of events at the store is here (if we're not listed we will be soon).

At this stage we aren't in a position to confirm a guest appearance by Callum, but we'll certainly see what we can do. Our previous signings and presentations have been very successful, so we hope to see you in Liverpool where you can see for yourself what all the fuss is about!

Phil & Steve

The Golden Vegetable soup that wasn't

I recently bought a tin of Golden Vegetable soup but was disappointed to find no golden vegetable inside. I chose that particular soup because it was only £1 and I thought I’d be able to extract the golden vegetable and sell it on, making a bit of money in the process.

Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the label had been lying all along. In fact all the vegetables were green and orange. Discovering a huge golden turnip was unlikely, given the size of the tin, but I didn’t think I was being unreasonable in expecting at least a golden carrot.

Steve

Safety Last

We know this is hardly the weather for it, but we’ve recently been thinking about Alton Towers and other theme parks. In particular, the rides that have a camera on a pole and take a photo of you as you whiz by. It costs about £5 to buy a photo of you looking wet and petrified.

In an attempt not to be outdone, the police will also happily take a photo of you as you whiz by their own cameras. The main difference is that they charge £60. Criminal!

The police call them ‘safety cameras’, and don’t we all feel much safer knowing that they’re there for our safety? The problem is we don’t think safety cameras are all they’re cracked up to be. Phil recently drove past one at 30mph with his head in a lion’s mouth, but he wasn’t flashed.

Rather than being about safety, we’re beginning to wonder if they’re actually speed-related.

Just a thought!

Phil & Steve

What NOT to say on Valentine's Day

It's that special day of the year where everyone likes to hear those three little words: "More prawn crackers?" Yes, it's Chinese New Year today but don't forget that it's also Valentine's Day.

Here’s a list of things to avoid saying if you’re planning a first date today:

• I really think my attitude has changed. A couple of years ago I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
• This restaurant isn’t as good as the one I was going to take you to, but I’ve got this 2 for 1 voucher.
• Remind me to go to the bathroom at 7pm; I need to put my cream on.
• What children’s names do you like?
• I remember you from school. Have you put weight on?
• That’s an interesting kiss. It's not how your sister does it.

Phil & Steve

Sneaky Restaurants

Have you noticed that restaurants are tricking you into buying their food? Rather than calling their dishes what they really are, restaurants often give them a foreign name to convince you that the food must be good.

“We’ll start with the Hors d’Oeuvres for two” should be met with the response “Certainly sir, I’ll get your coats and a couple of spades”. That’s because Hors d’Oeuvres is French for ‘outside work’.

How about some green sauce on your main course? You’d be silly not to ask what’s in it. Spinach, mushy peas, moss? But who cares? The restaurant calls it Salsa Verde and no-one even asks! (Beware of the bright spark who asks whether it comes with a side order of Anton du Beke to dance the Salsa Verde.)

How about ending your meal with some burnt cream in a little pot? Of course not, but call it the same thing in a different language and Crème Brûlée becomes a constant best-seller.

Beware of these sneaky restaurants!

We'll be back soon with more observations on language and life. In the meantime, if you have any observations of your own for possible use in a future article or in our next book, please get in touch.

Phil & Steve

"What Do We Want? Comedy!"

According to the Waterstone's website, at our book signing in Liverpool on Saturday 6th March they're anticipating a "Comedy Demo".

After the signing, we were expecting to give a comedy presentiaion on the funny things we've recently seen and heard, but a demo sounds fun too. We're not sure who is meant to be demonstrating. Should we write some jokes on placards and do a funny walk through the city centre? Maybe instead other people will be there to demonstrate outside the store, chanting "What do we want? Comedy! When do we want it? Now!"

We're sure all will become clear on the day.

A Little Games Advice and Haiti News

Here it is, the historic first post on our intrepid quest to bring laughter via the blog. In a moment we'll bring you news and advice from the world of game-playing.

But first, an announcement that for the next 30 days all royalties from the sale of our book will be donated to Haiti relief efforts. We're all helpless so far away but it's good to know that laughter will, in some small way, help improve lives.

Here's some gaming news and advice:

• My parents forgot how to play dominoes but they're very intuitive. They just put two and two together and worked it out.
• A little help with the crossword you're struggling with: 7 Up is Lemonade.
• I put Radio 5 on for snooker news but they're wittering on about pots, plants and seeds. It's hardly gardening weather.
• I heard ToysRUs have back gammon but they tried to sell me a game instead. Where am I meant to put the pineapple ring?
• I was out earlier playing with a frisby but sustained a slipped disc.
• I like to live a dangerous life but I'm thinking putting the numbers 1 to 6 on a cube could be a little bit dicey.

We'll be back next time. But you probably worked that out.

A New Look and a New Purpose

We're very excited! We hope you are too, for behold we bring tidings of great joy to all  mankind. Well, a bit of it.

Along with the blog's new look (isn't it nice?) is the news that the content of the blog is also to change. Henceforth - as implied by the blog's new title and description - we will here be sharing our latest observations on the funny side of language and life.

So hold on to your hat (proverbial or real, the choice is yours) and join us on a journey of discovery and laughter. The next observation about everyday life is always just around the corner, seemingly desperate for us to point out the funny side, and this is the place to hear about it as we willingly oblige.

Phil & Steve Go 2 Liverpool 1

Waterstone's today arranged a book signing for us at their Liverpool One store in the city centre. We'll be there from 1.30pm to brighten the day of many an unsuspecting Liverpudlian.

At 4.00pm we'll make a short, humorous and interactive comedy presentation on the funny things we've recently seen and heard.

Herald Triumph

More good news! We were recently asked to write a regular column for The Herald, a monthly magazine delivered free to 30,000 homes in east Lancashire. Every month we'll write about things we've recently seen and heard that have amused us, particularly in relation to language.

If you happen not to live in east Lancashire, don't despair, whatever you do! Each month we'll also be posting the latest column on our website. You can see January and February's here. You can read about Jesus's advice on gift-wrapping, and about those wonderful three words we all love to hear in February: "Another pancake, dear?"

Please click the link and spread the word by passing on our musing to others less fortunate than ourselves who would otherwise not know about them.

Phil & Steve

'Beat About the Bush' Reaches Number One in Amazon Chart

2010 has begun with fantastic news for Phil & Steve as their debut book 'Beat About the Bush - The Funny Side of Language' has reached the coveted number one spot in the Amazon book sales chart in the Semantics category. Amazon produces sales charts for books in all categories and whilst we're in three different categories it was the semantics category in which our first proud moment came.

Earlier today whilst at the Haydock Thistle Hotel planning marketing for 2010 and writing new material, we found out the good news. Two members of staff at the hotel broke the news to them after helping us find some information from Amazon on the hotels computer.

This is a proud moment, we know it is a long way from being a top seller but to be Number One in anything is a fantastic achievement. Thanks also to Sue & Louise from the Thistle Hotel for breaking this news to us. It was nice that others shared the joy in that moment.

Website Updated

Our website - http://www.philandsteve.co.uk/ - has just been updated. You'll now find links to some of the media coverage about the book, some of our YouTube videos, and the first in a monthly series of downloadable desktop wallpaper.

You can also buy merchandise based on some of the popular phrases in the book. Have a look, and please let us know if your favourite isn't there. Personalised signed copies of the book are also available for a limited time.

Yes, we know, we're too kind to you!